


Hammer Out Your Differences

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 21:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3869614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor as Cinderella- he's been transformed into an ordinary citizen of NYC, with no memory of being anything else. The Avengers must find the one who 'fits' Mjollnir in order to restore him in a week, or else the spell will be permanent and he'll belong to the one who cast it.</p><p>(Combines elements from the comics with MCU.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hammer Out Your Differences

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Thor is mine!" the really gorgeous blonde in the green metal bathing suit, matching helmet, cape, thigh high boots, and arm warmers (Asgardian accessorization to excess, even her lipstick was poison green) shouted, just before she zapped Loki with... well, something glowy and green. Loki made a noise like a disgruntled kitten and disappeared. Up until that point, the battle had been going pretty much as per usual; big drama scene with Loki's sibling rivalry versus Thor's brotherly forgiveness, and the Avengers in the middle trying to keep the property damage to a minimum and ideally the civilian casualty count to zero.

"I do not belong to you, Amora!" Thor shouted, and wound up his hammer.

"No one owns anyone in America," Steve added, as he lined up his shield at the hovering woman but didn't let fly. Steve wasn't too much of a gentleman to hit a woman if the situation called for it, but Amora was an unknown quantity to all of them, except apparently Thor, so it seemed wise to let him take the lead. Also, you know, she was up in the air some twenty stories, which was inconvenient for his fighting style. Natasha was also temporarily at a loss.

"Yeah," Tony put in, "but you can rent!" as he soared close and took aim with his repulsors, having just dropped Clint off on a nearby rooftop.

"These mortals have filled your mind with nonsense!" Amora's eyes flashed green sparks. "I will cleanse it!" She shot a blast of greenish fog that enveloped both her and Thor. Clint fired an arrow which bounced off the fog. Tony fired his repulsors, which had no apparent effect and then he dove into the fog, while Steve shouted, "NO, IRON MAN!" There was a loud _THUMP_ followed by Tony yelling, "OW!"

And then Thor's armor, clothing, and Mjollnir fell out of the cloud. The hammer embedded itself in the middle of the sidewalk. The fog dissipated. There was no sign of Thor or Amora.

 

"Ok, for the last time, I did not vaporize Thor and his groupie," Tony said. The remaining Avengers were gathered around the conference table on the helicarrier. Why the conference table was on the flight deck was a question for another day. It wasn't as if Fury needed the backup of his people to take charge.

Fury grunted in a disbelieving way. 

"Stop giving me the hairy eyeball," Tony said.

Bruce had showed up after the battle (they'd found that unless there were a lot of bigger opponents, Hulk liked to spar with Thor instead so Bruce was usually on standby). He'd kept silent while everyone else was giving their after mission reports, but he cleared his throat now. "Logically, Tony couldn't have vaporized Thor, and left his armor behind. And if this 'fog' had somehow given the repulsors the ability to do that, they should have done the same to Amora."

"Yes! Just what I was saying. Have a papaya." Tony held out a packet of dried fruit.

"Thanks." Bruce took a chunk and munched on it.

"So we know what _didn't_ happen But what _did_ happen?" Fury snapped.

"Thor is naked somewhere with a beautiful blonde who rescued him from Loki?" Clint answered. "Poor Thor. I really feel for the guy."

Natasha said, "One cat does not rescue a bird from another."

Tony coughed. "I'm not going to make the obvious joke that set up, you know about being eaten and pussies. I've grown as an individual."

"Sure you have," Bruce said, helping himself to more papaya.

The large monitor in the room suddenly turned on. Loki's face appeared. 

"God damn it," Fury said. 

"You need better firewalls," Tony said, while munching on papaya. "I offered."

"And you weren't going to put in any backdoors?" Natasha said sweetly.

"Hey, can I have some papaya?" Clint asked.

Steve put his head in his hands. "For this I went through boot camp?"

"Ooh, look, Loki's turning blue," Tony said, pointing at the monitor with a piece of papaya. "I never could hold my breath long enough."

Natasha said, "I could help you with that." She grabbed the papaya bag and tossed it to Clint. 

Bruce made little hand gestures, like someone beating a rag doll against the table. Tony snickered and high fived him. Fury glared at them.

"Please," Steve said, "Can we pretend to be adults. Just for five minutes?" As he didn't get any dissent, Steve turned to the monitor. "We're listening, Loki."

"Thor is mine."

"Oh, God," Tony said, "Didn't anyone teach you Asgardians to share?"

Steve reached his hand across the table to cover Tony's mouth. "Go on, Loki."

Loki's face went pale again. "I'm tied up at the moment..." The view pulled back to show that Loki was chained to a wall and surrounded by a giant snake. The snake hissed. "Quiet, Jor. As I was saying, I'm temporarily discommoded and time is short."

"What do you mean, time is short?" Fury asked. "We're not talking about this end of the world business, are we?"

"No, no, Ragnorak isn't going to happen on a Sunday. Sundays are boring. I recognized Amora's spell. It was interrupted before she finished, so you have a week before she can claim him."

"Not that I want to take advice from _you_ ," Clint said, "but what do you suggest we do?"

"Mjollnir breaks spells. All you need do is have him touch it. He is somewhere within the environs of your New York City." Loki petted the snake's head. The snake made a sound like a purr. "Amora has changed his appearance, and given him the memory of a Midgardian which is a minor complication. I'm sure Earth's Greatest Heroes can manage this." The image began to fuzz out.

"Wait!" Steve said quickly, "How will we find him? What does he look like?"

"I have no idea," Loki said. And then the monitor went blank.

Tony pulled out his phone.

"Who are you calling?" Fury asked.

"Who do you think? Pepper, of course." 

Fury sighed. "I think this may call for reinforcements." Fury produced a cell phone. Not a Starkphone. "Cheese? Can you liaise with Pepper?"

Clint looked at Natasha. "Would that 'ship name be 'Pepperjack'?"

"Who the hell is 'Cheese'?" Tony asked, "And what have they got to do with Pepper?"

"Didn't anyone teach you to share, Stark?" Fury smirked.

"No, no, they didn't." Tony narrowed his eyes and spoke into the phone. "Pepper, who is Cheese and why is Fury associating them with you?"

"Cheese?" Pepper said, and then smiled on Tony's vid phone. "That's Phil, of course."

"I thought he was dead," Tony said. He looked around the table. No one else looked surprised. "Damn spies. All right, liaise, but remember, if you get a freebie, so do I!"

"Sure, Tony," Pepper said. "You can have Natasha."

Natasha smiled at Tony. Tony swallowed hard. "On second thought, we're going to stick to the plan. Get Thor back and everything goes back to normal. And Cheese can go back to the refrigerator."

 

"This is the plan?" Steve looked around at the barricades at either end of the street. 

"Yep. World's largest totally free street party, with the most awesome games and prizes. I don't know who Pepper and Coulson had to blackmail to get them to block most of 23rd street, but it's worked. Everyone who can possibly get here will come."

"Isn't it a bit excessive, even for you?" Natasha commented as a trio of acrobats flipped past, juggling knives.

"I wanted them to juggle torches, but the fire marshal claimed there wasn't enough room."

"Uh huh." Clint went over to the nearest booth and began knocking down milk bottles. He won a plush purple pterodactyl hat and put it on. "This is so you can find me in the crowd."

"You're a braver man than I," Bruce remarked. He got a chili-cheese dog and looked around. "Let's go see how the hammer competition is going." He meandered through the yelling, dancing, weirdly dressed crowd with all the aplomb of a man used to far more populous cities than New York, with the rest of the Avengers loosely clustered around him. They were all dressed in civvies, but it wouldn't have mattered if they were in full costume, as there were performers dressed as variations of the Avengers' everywhere, just in case Amora was watching. They reached a pavilion in the center of the party. It was a red and gold open sided tent, with flashing signs and music directing everyone towards the grand prize, a silvery gold Audi R8.

"It's not the best car I have, but it's the newest." Tony said, "You can't offer a used car as a prize."

"Uh huh," Steve said, bending down to peer into the windows. "It's still got the price sticker on it...$91,325." He blinked.

"Yeah," Tony took off his sunglasses to watch the line of people attempting to lift the hammer and move it over to the 'you win' spot. "I didn't go for the full option package."

"Uh huh." Steve took a clean paper napkin from Bruce and carefully wiped off the condensation his breath had caused on the window.

"So, anyway, Pepper and the big Cheese set up an observation post in this building. Let's go and check it out."

 

The 'observation post' was a ground level apartment set up with comfortable chairs, a fully stocked kitchen, and all the necessities. Clint smiled when he saw a bag of Cheetos on the table. "Pepper is too good for you, Tony."

"Shh," Tony said, "I don't want her to find out."

"She knows, Tony," Natasha remarked before switching on the monitors overlooking the hammer pavilion. 

 

The day wore on, and at dusk the streetlights came on to let the party continue. The line of people attempting to win the car had thinned out, and the Avengers took the watch in shifts. Interestingly enough, the hammer did shift from time to time, and not always for big, strong looking men. An elderly man got it an inch off the sidewalk before it pulled away from him. "Way to go, Stan!" his friends cheered. A woman wearing a faded Marines t-shirt made it rock and a skinny black kid who couldn't have been more than twelve actually took a step with it before it lunged out of his grasp. "Huh," Tony said when he viewed the footage later. "I should set up a recruiting station for S.I. there."

 

By and large, though, it was very boring and on their off-shifts, the Avengers began going out to the street party for snacks and amusement. On the fifth day the crowd was noticeably less and they were beginning to worry. "What if whoever Thor is now doesn't like parties?" Steve asked. "We should be looking for him some other way."

"What do you suggest?" Tony asked. "We'd be looking for a needle that doesn't look like a needle in a haystack made of needles."

"I think you need to cut back on the sugar," Clint said, taking the cone of cotton candy away from Tony. "That made no sense at all."

"Yes, it did." Tony picked up a packet of candy-coated peanuts and began munching them. "Pepper advertised the hammer contest everywhere, and there are commercials running every hour touting all the attractions on TV and radio, plus all the internet social media have picked up on it. Unless fake-Thor is a cloistered monk, which _really_ wouldn't fit into Amora's plans, he's got to know about it, and find something he likes. We've even got a goat-petting zoo, medieval armor display, and a mead-hall, just in case his subconscious remembers Asgard."

"I know," Steve said. "I just don't like sitting around doing nothing."

Bruce nodded. "It's hard." He went over to the monitors and looked at the people streaming past. "But you know, even if we don't find him, and Amora takes him I don't believe she'll be able to keep him. Sooner or later, his true self will break through." Bruce smiled sadly. "What you are inside always comes out, eventually."

"Very philosophical," Natasha said, "but not really helpful." She tossed one of Clint's prizes at Bruce, a tall blue velvet top hat. "Let's go mingle."

 

The sixth day dawned, and it was Clint's turn to watch. Most of the stalls were shut because not even Pepper backed by Tony Stark's money could find enough qualified people to run them twenty four hours a day. They had round the clock security, plenty of arcade-type games, self-serve drink and packaged hot and cold snack dispensers, and of course, someone was always staffing the Grand Prize tent, but by now even the most die-hard insomniacs had a chance to sample everything the fair had to offer and had returned to their usual pursuits.

So when Clint saw a group of young men and women dressed in hospital scrubs approaching the hammer, he didn't need to turn up the audio surveillance to hear them clearly. "We should be sleeping," one of the women said. "They cut back our shift hours, but not the work load." 

"I don't know about you," one of the men said, "but I'm sleeping on my feet."

"It's dead here," another man said. "Why did we let you talk us into this, Don?"

"Because you love me," the slightest member of the group said. He looked even more tired than the others, and was leaning on a cane as he went along. "And I promised to buy you all a hot dog."

"The food is free." 

"I know." Don grinned. "That's how I can afford it."

Clint was starting to like the little guy. The group trooped up to the Grand Prize tent while eating hot dogs and chips, and then stood close to the car admiring it. "There's no way Stark is giving this away," one of the women said. "I bet that hammer is welded down."

The attendant came over to them, as he had been instructed to do whenever there were reluctant 'customers' and no one else was trying for the hammer. "Take your photo with the hammer? It's free, you know."

Free appealed to the interns. One after another they tugged at the hammer and clowned around, making faces for the camera. "Your turn, Don."

"I'd look stupid," Don said.

"We need the photo! We're gonna make a montage on the bulletin board," one of the other men said.

Don sighed. "Fine." He hobbled up to the hammer, and tucked the cane under his arm. "If I fall on my ass, I'm burning the photo." He wrapped both hands around the hammer. His face took on a determined cast. The tent lit up with a blaze of blue-white light, with electric arcs cascading all around. The interns shouted and screamed. And Thor straightened, and laughed, spinning Mjollnir around his head. "Amora! Your spell is broken! Get ye GONE!" There was a noise, rather like the spitting of an infuriated cat, and then all the surveillance cameras went blank.

"GUYS!" Clint yelled. "ASSEMBLE!"

By the time the Avengers piled out in their various nightclothes, clutching their weapons, Amora was indeed gone, the tent was slightly singed, and Thor was holding court with the interns. "Yes," he told them, "my father certainly can afford to pay for more interns. Your workload shall be halved!"

"Our prayers have been answered," one of the women said. "I'm converting to paganism."

Thor smiled. "But do not expect me to ride about in a goat-chariot." He patted the Audi R8 on the hood. "This mighty steed shall carry me."

"Um, Thor," Tony said while pulling up his Captain America pajama pants, "do you actually have a driver's license?"

"Nay! I shall acquire one at once." Thor hopped into the car and placed his hammer on the dashboard. The car hummed and rose into the air, and floated out of the tent. It zoomed along the street, above the stalls, and then took a right turn and disappeared around a corner.

"Ok," Tony said. "Make that a pilot's license." He put an arm around Bruce's shoulder. "So, the fair has two days left. Sure I can't convince you to try the Tilt-a-Whirl?"

"Only if you want to see me turn green," Bruce replied.

"Awesome. Come on."

Steve, Natasha, Clint, the interns and the Grand Prize attendant went off to get breakfast. 

Somewhere, in another dimension, Loki and the snake sighed in mutual relief. Amora would have made a horrible in-law.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this Avengerkink [ Prompt.](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/13316.html?thread=32069892#t32069892)
> 
> I can't afford to support AO3, but if you have enjoyed this fic, perhaps you could donate something to them to help make sure our fanfic continues to have a home here.


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